If you’re into outrageous comedy, Dane Cook is the comedian for you. This guy’s wild antics caught our attention when we saw his stand-up act on Comedy Central. His jokes are the kind anyone can relate to and they’ll leave you laughing until you get cramps in your stomach and tears in your eyes. Totally off the wall, you’ll even find him jumping all over the stage, making nutty faces and sounds, and talking in some of the most hilarious voices.
His website is www.danecook.com, and there you will find news on his shows and tv appearances, as well as information on his new acting career, including his brand new short film entitled 8 Guys. Dane’s been busy lately, with a new CD/DVD for sale, featuring his best jokes. You can also buy autographed pictures and shirts from the website. And while your surfing through its many features, you’ll be able to listen to a variety of short clips of some of Dane’s famous material.
Here you’ll find our attempt to get into Dane’s head...

Paragon Music Magazine: You’re one crazy comic, and boy do we love it! You’re antics on stage are insane, and you’re just full of energy, an energy that spreads right to the audience. Are you always so hyper? We can only imagine what you were like as a kid. Were you the typical class clown in school?

Dane: That "Danergy" builds up inside me the entire day. When I hit the stage or as I call it "The Ha-Ha Chamber" it busts out of me like a newborn calf. The time I am on stage is like one long orgasm for me. Like I am banging the laughs out of you. Then I kiss your forehead and hand you a towel while I go make some eggs. Class clown. Nope. I was pretty quiet back then. I was funny at home but in public pretty shy. Like any mass murderer.

P M M: Did you always know, even when you were young, that you wanted to be a comedian and make people laugh?

Dane: Yup. I knew ever since I was very young. I watched every comic on television all the time. Loved staying up and watching Johnny Carson. I just absorbed stand up comedy. Plus my family was pretty funny too. I knew I either wanted to be a comedian or a video game maker. But I didn’t know with video games that there was like, programming involved, and math. I thought I would just sit at a desk and be like "We need more ghosts. Ghosts would make this game funville USA. Go put more ghosty’s in it!" I also wanted to be a ninja and a bounty hunter. Both very hard to work as a part time summer job by the way.

P M M: Were you ever shy in front of a group of people, or did you always cut loose, as you do at all your shows?

Dane: With my friends I would goof. In high school I broke out the shell more and started doing theater. Or as my dad called it "that gay shit." Once I started doing the stand up though it was all over. Totally changed everything about me.

P M M: The best is when you throw yourself all over the stage. Your show gets pretty nuts. You ever hurt yourself when you fling yourself across the floor?

Dane: Not really. I stretch out before I go onstage and I also pray to the God of Fitness to protect me. I do have 9 pins in my right shoulder as a result of a joke entitled "Chicken With A Big Dick." But that is a story for another day.

P M M: Don’t you ever get physically tired during your show? It’s gotta be a great workout.

Dane: It is a total body workout. Plus right after the show I come off stage, leave the show and run around the club until I puke blood.

P M M: The chicks must dig you. You’re funny AND you’re good-looking. Do you get a lot of offers from women at your shows?

Dane: Sometimes but that is just bizarre. Comedy and groupies… odd. At least if you’re a rock star and you hook up the chick she might be like "Aw, when you played that guitar solo on top of the amp! You looked amazing up there." A comedy groupie is like "When you told that guy his shirt looked like a test pattern… It was like you were a golden god." Just is not the same. Plus chicks want you to be the same funny guy on stage when the show is over. So the second you get serious they’re like "Are you mad or something?" It’s fucking more of a headache. But the need for a BJ will make you endure anything.

P M M: What’s the craziest thing any woman has done to get your attention, or your hand in marriage for that matter? (heheh)

Dane: No comment but it included her really hot friend with her and photos that I still have buried deep within one of the dirtiest hard drives ever installed in a pc.

P M M: Like any great comedian, you tell jokes about everyday things that everyone can relate to, but you take it over the top. One of our faves is the bit you do on the Catholic Church. It’s these little things that we all do, all the time that you make the funniest comments on.
Is typical, everyday life where you draw most of your material from, or is there more to it?

Dane: There is no rhyme or reason with my comedy. I don’t over think it. I just play up there. I never write anything down and I never plan my set. Whatever comes out, that is the show. No such thing as new or old jokes. It’s all comedy to me. If I have an idea I purposely don’t think about it until I get onstage. Then I build it.

P M M: When did you hit it big as a comedian, and what were you doing before that? Were you working a 9-5 day job? If so, what was it? Burger King is on your resume, isn’t it?

Dane: Video store, pizza places. Dietary aid. Sold newspapers. Whatever I could do to make some cash. The BK Lounge (what I called Burger King). Those first five years of stand up are dry. You make zip. Plus no benefits with the comedy. I got a toothache in 1991 … in 1995 I got it fixed.

P M M: How did you work your way up to where you are now? Was it a tough journey along the way?

Dane: Tough. Fuck that. It was and is the best life I could have ever known. I love being around comics. They are some of the most twisted, idiotic, self-centered bitches I know. But there is a code among thieves. We all root for each other. Root to bomb. Whatever you do in life you’re gonna have crap along the way. But how many people can at least wake up at the crack of noon before dealing with it?

P M M: You’ve got a lot going on lately…a CD and a DVD on your performances, as well as a movie, correct? And wasn’t there a song on your website that you sang on? Living out that rock-star fantasy, huh?
Tell us more about all these things; including the new short film entitled 8 Guys. We’re too lazy to read about it all on the site and figured since we’re doing this interview we may as well ask the source of all this greatness ourselves.

Dane: The CD/DVD Dane Cook: Harmful If Swallowed contains two discs. The first, an audio CD, is a live hour, recorded in Houston, Texas. The second, the DVD, is over 2 hours of stuff I did on Comedy Central over the last few years. Like a best of thang. There is a full one-hour performance from Comedy Central Presents on there that just kick starts your heart. Go buy it so I can buy more gadgets for my mystery house! 8 GUYS is a short comedy film I wrote and directed. Go me. It’s a coming of age tale about a young Jewish girl searching for a magical flute. No. It’s about 8 dudes that live in a tiny shitty apartment that is big enough for only one person. None of them wanna leave so they have a contest. The first seven people to get phone calls gotta leave the apartment. It turns into a bit of a War of the Roses meets Home Alone meets Die Another Day meets Uncle Buck meets Apocalypse Now meets Macbeth’s "The Dagger." The song I wrote is called "Get Out" and it’s like the theme song for the flick. There is also a lot of weird Japanese rave stuff that I stole off Kazaa. That way I don’t have to pay royalties on it. Although we do use the theme song from Golden Girls in it so I hope those fuckers don’t come lookin’ for some payment.

P M M: Just wanted to tell you that your bit called "Speak ‘N Spell" has made us laugh to the point of stomach cramps, and we’ve been able to make others laugh by trying our best to imitate it. It’s a classic bit, amongst many. So, yea, thanks for that.

Dane: What can I say? These are the jokes they sent me in the gift pack.

P M M: A lot of your jokes involve your childhood and young adult memories….And there’s some crazy shit that you’ve been through. Are the things you joke about actually things that happened to you, are they exaggerated, or are they totally fictional?

(Dane is eating cereal and waves his hand as if to say "This question means nothing to me. Next pitch.")

P M M: We’ve seen you on Comedy Central, we’ve heard your jokes on the Internet, but what else have you done? Are there any movies you were in or CD’s you were featured on in the past that we missed out on?

(Dane is still eating at this point and scoffs at this question as well. He twirls his hand around his ear is if to say "Fucking loony." After four or five minutes of silence we move onto the next question.)

P M M: Are you on tour currently? When are you coming to Jersey?! We’re dying to see you!

Dane: Yes I am always touring and people can check out my web site www.DANECOOK.com for any dates and info. And if you have no clue who the frig I am there are clips and videos for you to check out. There’s not much more I can offer you at this point. If you have not chuckled at least four times during this article you’re more of a Stephen Lynch fan and should just walk the F away.

P M M: Are there any particular topics you won’t joke about? If there are, tell us what they are and why you won’t use them for jokes.

Dane: Everything is our material. There is no such thing as "can’t say that" in comedy. I mean something I don’t say the next guy may say in a way that I could never have said it. It’s all about the character the comic has created. Every comic has crafted some outer shell for his or her stage persona. It’s always slightly different from what they are or how they act. It’s heightened and embellished. You use that to pass the bit on to them. Then you come off stage and eat Buffalo wings.

P M M: What is your favorite bit to perform and why?

Dane: They are all my baby jackals. Although I enjoy the bit I do called, "A Rape, A Rascal and a Rousing Round of Applause," which I wrote while puffing a Glade Plug-In while I was on tour opening for Faster Pussycat. A show is a show. All the pieces make up the puzzle. I would not even know what joke is better or sucks. It’s funny to me and that is the start and end of that. Next question noisy.

P M M: You’ve done countless live performances. Is there any one that stands out in your mind as being really great? Is there one that just totally sucked?

Dane: I did a two-hour show at a college years ago and when I came off stage the crowd gave me a standing ovation that lasted forever. It was like 3000 students, Incredible. The next night I was at a gig in front of 3 guys in New Hampshire where one of them yelled out, "How much would it cost to shut you up?" I said, "Twenty bucks." He pulled out a ten and the other two guys then chipped in five each to get me offstage. I was in my car three minutes later wondering if I should learn a trade of some sort. People chipped the fuck in to stop me. CHIPPED IN!!!

P M M: What single accomplishment to date are you most proud of?

Dane: Chipped in. Chipped the hell in. Damn it you had to ask that question and bring that shit up. I was chipped in on. Geez. I can’t remember the 3000 students stomping their feet and cheering at me like it was Thunder Dome. I gotta remember Johnny Fuckface and the Chip-In’s. Stinky bumhole that blew. Where are we? Okay let’s finish this so I can go abuse myself. I am proud to have done Letterman. That was the goal right there. If I could get on Letterman I was a true comic. I have done it a bunch of times but that first one sticks out. My CD/DVD makes me proud. I just love that my comedy is in stores next to all my favorites. I am one of those guys now. I am on a shelf in a store right now. Cool. I am proud to work with my brother. He is like my right arm. We compliment each other in our business. He is a funny cat too! Darryl. He’s more sarcastic than me but very funny. Would be a great middle act but could only headline outside rooms. Ha.

P M M: While performing live, do you ever get the urge to just crack up at your own jokes? What do you do to keep a straight face?

Dane: I laugh up there sometimes. That can happen when you improvise a lot. Sometimes you get in a zone and it all flows out. So you tune into what your saying sometimes and just break yourself. Works the other way too. Sometimes shit comes out and I will stop, look at the audience and ask them "Can we just forget that last mess I just yammered? If I say anything even closely resembling that last batch of notions please feel free to toss a beer bottle at my temple."

P M M: Are you the mastermind behind the designs on the merchandise available for sale on your website?

Dane: Yes. I get a lot of great ideas from fans too. People email me all the time with stuff they would like to see or buy. At the same time some of them write me and tell me my comedy gave them a seizure and I should send them a crate of cash or they will sue me. I write back, "Thanks for the great email. Seizure later!"

P M M: Anything you’d like to say to our readers? Shameless plugs are allowed here, so have a ball.

Dane: On my web site I have a photo of me kissing a really famous actress. She has her hand in my pants too. Unreal. Go to www.DANECOOK.com for all of your voyeuristic pleasures. If the photo is not there just wait around my site for a minute and it will appear. Or buy my movie 8 GUYS in the BUY STUFF section. Hey wait!! That just happens to be where you can also purchase my CD/DVD Dane Cook : Harmful If Swallowed. Christ that is convenient. You can buy shit while you’re waiting for the pic to pop up somewhere. Thanks for the interview. I gotta go design a Dane Cook kite now. Peace off.